From Grand Theft Orgy to Quantum Deep to Whorecraft, one of the most enduring sub-genres of quality pornography has always been the porn parody – paying homage to (and, ahem, cashing in on) mainstream media franchises for some naughty, hardcore action. At very least, it’s not another installment of the Scary Movie franchise. As a rule, if people are talking or acting then it doesn’t quite count as proper pornography in our book – however, for these upmarket efforts, we’ll make an exception! Here are 25 of the best porn movie titles based on original feature films!
25. American Booty
A middle aged man dreams about having sex with his daughter’s friend, his daughter has a relationship with the neighbor’s son and his wife has sex with the King of Real Estate; with its tale of randy suburbia, American Beauty was ripe for a porno makeover. And so it did come to pass with this tricky number, which simplifies matters by having some grad school studs move into Monique and Midori’s flat. To the point, we say, and cut out all that crap about bags floating in the wind.
24. Missionary Position Impossible 2
Just like the Tom Cruise film of the very similar name, the Missionary Position Impossible movie became a franchise, and just like Cruise and co, the cast of MPI would do extraordinarily dangerous (and yet cavalier) things like lighting dynamite at hip height. Points are awarded for a punning tagline: “It feels so good… should you decide to accept it.”
23. Twinklight
Love Edward, hate Bella? That’s because: Vampires. Are. Gay. Emphasising the point Twinklight does the obvious and crosses Twilight with twinks – the younger, slenderer, more hairless gay man-about-town, for those not in the know. Just think RPatz, if you’re still confused. As the film’s tagline asks: “What is life if lived alone?” It then goes on to answer with rutting boy vamps.
22. The Da Vinci Load 2: Angels and Semen
While The Da Vinci Load might have adequately spoofed Dan Brown’s conspiracy thriller, the sequel raised the game a bar by adding a double pun – which preceded the Da Vinci Code’s sequel by two years. Cracking, filthy stuff! We do rather suspect that the ‘symbology’ on offer here might be of the rather obvious kind.
21. A Tale of Two Titties
Picking up the title of Charles Dickens’s classic novel about Paris during the French revolution, this is actually a historical anthology piece, including tales about princes, princesses and giants. And of course lots and lots of shagging. Our only bone of contention with the title is that there are far more than two titties on offer here.
20. Titty Titty Gang Bang
While this might have less than nothing to do with Ian Fleming’s children’s film, it’s a marvellous use of a parody title. And who on Earth would want to watch a porn version of Chitty Chitty, with a flying car and the child snatcher? Yikes.
19. San Fernando Jones and the Temple of Poon
You’re going to be disappointed – San Fernando isn’t the giant woman on the middle of the DVD cover; Fernie is actually Ron Jeremy (as seen in the bottom right corner), the most famous and most rat like of all pornographic entertainers. Nevertheless, with a fedora, whip and an intimate familiarity with the exotic secrets of the Orient, Indy was made for porn. And poon is certainly sexier than doom.
18. Raiders of the Lost Arse
Extending to a two-parter, here’s another Indy inspired epic, this time of the distinctly more masculine kind, if you want to call it that. We assume that in this caper Indy is rather more fond of the trouser snake than was previously thought. Dr Jones never did seem to much like the ladies, for all the time he spent in their company, and it was with a certain amount of revulsion that we greeted the prospect that Shia The Beouf was to be the wee Indie Jr. We can only assume that the makers of Lost Arse (‘arse’ means bottom, by the way) were considerably more appalled.
17. Edward Penishands
Take Tim Burton’s tortured modern Frankenstein and then replace his arms with a pair of gigantic meat truncheons. Porntastic! He won’t be trimming your hedges but he’s essentially perfect for porn. And if you think like the makers of Penishands did, you’ll probably find that hilarious. Spawning a sequel, we can only imagine that this one did better than the Johhny Depp original.
16. Analyze These
This could very well be the actual title of an Analyze This sequel (see Analyze That starring Robert De Niro and Billy Crystal). However, fortunately for the makers of this Horizon DVDs movie, it isn’t. Naturally, the film follows the well worn path of psychoanalysis turning to lesbian sex scenes. Only that analysis was apparently mainly below the neckline. Ba-zing!
15. Forrest Hump
While Forrest Gump had a fair amount of sex of one kind or another, it was generally of the miserable kind, as Forrest and Jenny wound their way through America’s mid to late 20th century history. Hence, of course, parody ahoy! The bench, the box of chocolates, hippies having sex. What more could you want?
14. Bi-tanic
Sch-wing. The somewhat marginal bisexual film genre invariably struggles to get the word ‘bi’ into all its titles, but with this parody number the only way was up. Imagine if Leo and Billy Zane could have just got their rocks off and then everyone would have been happy after all – because, as we recall, Leo only died because Kate hoiked him off a floating log after she ditched a lifeboat.
13. Tits a Wonderful Life
Identify a classic feel good film and add tits. It’s magical. From the director of Foreskin Gump and A League of their Moan, Tits takes a different route to cheering George up, leading him away from suicide with lots and lots of sex. That’d make anyone happy.
12. Pulp Friction
Replacing Fiction with some erotic Friction, this is one thoroughly conscientious parody. Remember Quentin Tarantino’s magnum opus? Well imagine the next thing to happen after every scene was some sex. And remember all that violence? Replace that with sex as well.
11. Sluts and the City
When you’re taking the word ‘sex’ out of a title in order to porn it up, something strange is going on (however people might have described SATC). However, with the franchise moving to the cinema a (loose) remake became inevitable – and just how difficult could it possibly be to take four women and place them in a series of faintly unlikely sex scenes around New York? Bon voyage, Big Apple.
10. A Clockwork Orgy
Take one of the most controversial movies of all time, famous for its sex and violence, and, er, move the violence around a bit – and you have a porno classic! It also reportedly has an acceptable plot and some good jokes. Bring on the droogs and the ultraviolence!
9. Flesh Gordon
“Planet Porno bombards Earth with sex rays… send for Flesh!” If that isn’t a great tagline for a movie, we don’t know what is.
Looking like the spiritual successor to Barbarella (which might as well have been a porn spoof in itself), Flesh Gordon makes some terrific use of the outside the trousers, crotch hugging pants. Which should only really ever find their home in a porno. Right?
8. Rebel Without a Condom
While it might have taken over 40 years for James Dean’s most famous movie to inspire a porno, as a genuine 1950s set period piece, featuring motorcycle rebels et al, Condom’s makers cannot be said to have skimped on it! Like the porn Grease – but with choppers.
7. Honey I Blew Everybody
While it’s always disappointing to hear that your partner blew up the baby or shrunk the kids, what you really don’t want to hear is that she blew everyone. While this has almost zip to do with the film it’s playing on, it’s a great use of a great title. Moreover, it does exactly what it says on the tin.
6. The Sex Files
Mulder and Scully spent a long, long time pondering their will-they-won’t-they relationship (complete with abductions and miraculous pregnancies). In the surprisingly straight faced Sex Files they definitely, definitely will. Oddly enough, The Sex Files almost looks more like The X Files than the two horrible movies that the franchise has managed to cough out so far.
5. Whorey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls
Harry Potter might not seem an obvious match for porn – too many boys, too many under 18s. However, that didn’t worry the makers of Whorrey Potter, advertised as the first 3D gay feature porn film (put the words in whatever order you want). Featuring Whorrey and Voldemorecock (who gets lead billing on the DVD cover), you can imagine where this is going. It even won the Grabby award for Best Comedy. Magic.
4. Sexbusters
Take one of the greatest family films of the ’80s and add sex. What could be more obvious? While the film might have skimped on costumes (t-shirts) and effects (the Ecto-1 is a people carrier) and the title might seem to question the premise (they’re here to bust sex?), this was a great, great idea – and that’s a great poster. What’s more, hailing from 1984, this is genuine vintage material.
3. Womb Raider
Once upon a time, someone magnified a platform heroine’s boobs by ten times and thereby created a computer gaming sensation. Add Angelina Jolie in some hot pants and the adult film industry decided enough was enough and made the Tomb Raider porn parody, which to our satisfaction came with a double pun – Cara Loft, Womb Raider. We can only assume that Cara Loft is an enthusiastic lesbian. One for the annals of history.
2. The Whore of the Rings II
Despite a striking lack of female cast members (Liv Tyler was a total rope in), The Lord of the Rings was a film that had sex in the title and sex on the brain – and with that much sexual tension who wouldn’t want to toss a hobbit around a bit? As for the porn parody franchise it spawned… well, while it perhaps confused things by having the rings melted down into two magic dildos by the second installment, The Whore of the Rings II made up for it by featuring scenes with dragons, dwarves and monsters. And chainmail clad babes.
1. American Cream Pie
Simple, to the point and effective. American Pie was a movie about juvenile sex gags that defined itself upon a violatory act of self pleasuring. Then the porn stars added five little letters to remove any level of innuendo or doubt and made a film about a porn finishing technique. Pure filth.
Source:
popcrunch
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